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 A New Testament

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Number of posts : 761
Registration date : 2007-04-26

PostSubject: A New Testament   Tue 11 Oct - 13:13:50

A New Testament

And Lo after uncountable aeons of time,* the creator, known as the great Geoffster arrived and bestowed his brilliance upon us, and we were amazed. Our number was four and we were enthralled at his mighty magnificence.

*It was almost seven oí clock

We comprised Sam the Corruptor, aka Wolverine, aka the Cornish Avenger. Then there were the nuisance of Crawleys,* namely Philip Chair Bane, aka the Colossus of Eastwood, and Jennifer the Ice Maiden, aka Air Corps One. I, your humble chronicler was of course, also present.

*The little known but wholly appropriate collective noun for Crawleys

Apologies had been received from High Imp Drummond, aka Bulldog Drummond,* whose missing guidance would have near fatal consequences later. We duly assembled and surveyed the holy menu of Cathay and were forced to expend monies far beyond our means on consumables that dripped with eastern promise, but delivered little satisfaction and vague predictions.

*Not as you may think for his indomitable spirit, but for his love of and proficiency in the popular playground game

Assuming our alternate selves we re-entered the world of Marienburg, those of us who could assuming the appropriate accent.* We followed the providential map of Jurgen and reached the bakery of Burndt,** indicated as the entry point to a maze that would take us who knew where?***

* Not many if weíre brutally honest
** Not that sort of Burnt, the address was definitely not Pudding Lane
***Geoff knew actually

The stealer of property and keeper of goods not his own, Gizbert of Scousenburg, then was blessed with a revelation: The plan showed an underworld of sewers. Marienburg chooses to hide its wastes below the streets in a manner most disgusting to those of us used to the fresh air open sewers of our beloved Empire, and the diagram showed a path through the sinister netherworld of the heretic state. We carefully descended the dwarf strapping up his dangling appendage.*

*Well obviously Iím talking about his beard

The fruits of many citizens of the great city had been carefully deposited from half a million diseased and disgusting orifices, and we took the opportunity to examine a large number of choice offerings in the hope that some might prove to be the bars of Mr Mars that they resembled,* and eventually owing to lack of dry ledges, we were forced to physically wade through the bountiful mass that flowed sluggishly through the stench drenched waterways of putrifaction.

*Lovingly crafted from the foreheads of luckless Klingons

Not an appealing prospect you might think, but no! By happy chance our dwarf was a dedicated and practising scatterphile of the highest order and threw himself beard first into the morass of sewage with gusto.*

*I did introduce gusto earlier didnít I?

We encountered some sewer dwelling creatures: Cat eating rats first, then cannibalistic ghouls. From our familiarity with Marienburg based BloodBowl team the Eternal Champions, we knew that these creatures were pathetically vulnerable and easily defeated, and sure enough our only difficulty after our brief skirmish was how to get copious amounts of dried ghoul blood off our clothing.*

*We eventually decided that it was in fact preferable to what was already caking and encrusting our bodies.

We continued, adding increasingly varied and delightful layers of waste as we waded deeper into the bowels of the city. The effect was particularly assisted by the need for us to fully immerse ourselves in the mire as the passageway was filled completely from floor to ceiling. Despite the fact that none of us could swim, we boldly penetrated the crap filled passage and reached the other side without any danger of drowning.*

*Apart from Larry, who avoided drowning only by 1% on his 37th die roll by proxy.

Eventually, we proceeded towards the holy grail of the ĎXí on Jurgenís sh*tty map.* After cultivating a fine crop of serious injuries by falling through the rotten floor of one room, we dragged ourselves out into another mould filled room, where an explosion of red mould infested the body of our trusty wizard Larry who nearly passed on, but fortuitously merely passed out.

* No it was quite well drawn, Iím just describing it

Finally ahead of us, we could see the welcoming maw of a Nurgle beast. Not Coryupto or Mawrifcus of the Marienburg based Nurgle BloodBowl teams Extreme Prejudice and the Entropic Marauders, but possibly hatchlings of the same. I was so overcome by the possibility of getting an autograph from the tentacle of one of my match day heroes or at least a creature from the same hatching, that I was quite unable to join the ensuing combat, where a number of my comrades, particularly the extremely violent Beatrix did severe damage to the poor innocent poisonous slug.

Borri the psychopathic scatterphile dealt the fatal blow at last, an injustice that would rankle for years afterwards with our happy go lucky Birmingham based Bone Picker. Beyond we searched and found an abandoned prison containing an imprisoned nutter, apparently a prisoner whose usefulness to chaos had expired.

A document linked the child of our quest to a Nurgle cult plot, as inquisitors we could scarcely wish for better evidence. A terrible journey at an end at last, and well worth all the suffering, stink and critical injuries for a scrap of paper that added little to what we already suspected.

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