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 The ICF Guarantee

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Phlegm

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Number of posts : 753
Registration date : 2007-04-26

PostSubject: The ICF Guarantee   Tue 9 Aug - 17:18:09

ICF Guarantee

A lifetime warranty, all maintenance and repair work fully covered at no cost.*

*Please keep this document in a safe place as without it you will fail to achieve a satisfactory degree of righteous indignation when our team of fully qualified 24 hour response maintenance engineers refuse to fix it for nothing. You can for example wave this in their faces and point out key passages. It won’t change anything, but at least you’ll feel that you had the moral high ground before they kill you.

Congratulations on your purchase* of the ICF Wizmag K37 Series integrated CHAOS** crystal.TM

*OK we realise that you have almost certainly acquired it through murder, theft and general skulduggery of the highest order given that it is priceless and no owner would ever part with their K37 voluntarily, but we have to observe certain legal niceties.

**Completely Harmless Automated Operations System, (Can you believe that’s what Wizmag thought he was making?)


Your K37 is a precision engineered tool designed to achieve virtually anything by its manipulation of the basic elements of creation, but principally to bring on apocalyptic disaster on a planetary scale. To this end, users should ensure that they always follow the instructions in the user manual, otherwise this guarantee will be invalidated.*

*What do you mean you lost the user manual? OK, a free reminder: It was the post it note that said ‘Concentrate really hard on what you want to happen, think of the stone and stand well back.’

More good advice: Keep it secret, keep it safe and it’ll give you years of faithful* service.

*Well, faithful as long as the Daemonically Versatile Drive (DVD) central processing unit doesn’t think there’s a better way of spreading chaos, in which case we reserve the right to modify, distort, increase, reduce or redirect the forces that you wish to unleash in any way whatsoever and the ICF accepts no responsibility for the inevitably dire consequences of death, destruction, mayhem and paper cuts that will no doubt comically ensue. This is because the K37 will always know best, unless of course wielded by the great T’Zench himself.

An overview of the K37 system:

The Earthstone
Capable of great feats of earth moving, manipulation of rock strata, earth elemental control and conveys immunity to physical weapons.

The Firestone
As well as providing a smooth ride and improving stopping distances by 30% in tests*, it allows total dominion over the realm of fire including creating spontaneous combustion, deployment of heat as a weapon and satisfyingly spectacular fireballs.

*Which we made up

The Air stone
Capable of great feats of air manipulation, including empowering the possessor with the ability to fly and air elemental control. Does things with wind that not even Phil dreamed possible.

The Waterstone
As well as conveying the ability to sell books, this allows control of rivers, seas and other bodies of water enabling the user to totally control and bend liquid to his will.*

*Well, as much as the K37 allows anyone to bend it to their will. Incidentally one of these powers is almost certainly not included though you never know, that’s just another dimension of excitement that you get when you buy ICF.

The Mysterious Little Bit Left Over
All self assembly systems in the multiverse are required by the Lords of Creation and Chaos to have this; it can of course be safely ignored.

To enjoy the full benefits of your K37 system a complete integration of the four stones is required, their automatic self attunement systems* will already have ensured an effortless activation experience and once the whole set has been acquired** the world is quite literally your oyster.***

*insane insideTM
**A handsome carrying case comes free with your first crystal
***In the sense that it’s yours to tear in half, loot anything of worth it contains and consume the rest in the hope that it serves your own evil ends


Extra Features
The K37 comes equipped with those little luxuries that the ICF is always happy to supply at no extra cost, for example, all models currently in service are currently fitted with:

The ICF Boomerang Homing SystemTM

Carelessly allowed yourself to be disarmed and stripped of your K37 by unscrupulous dwarves, mad cultists or light fingered halfling cutpads? Not a problem for the owner of the ICF K37. Once attuned to you, only your (highly regrettable) demise will separate you from your beloved doomstone. It’s guaranteed to warp reality itself in order to return to your side within 24 hours.*

*Exclusions for intervention by daemon lords, deities and godlike beings apply

The ICF Chameleon Adaptation FieldTM

Chunky pretty rocks lovingly carved with those delightful and oh so bewitching chaos sigils attracting unwanted attention and questions from unenlightened authority? The K37 can adapt its appearance, even size, so that it becomes an easily concealable trinket capable of fitting into a convenient necromancer’s belly button for example.*

*Necromancer not supplied

A Note on Side Effects
Some users may experience some, all or none* of the following side effects, but hey, no Pain,**no gain.

*It should be noted that users not experiencing any of these effects will no doubt suffer something worse.
**Or Payne?


Drowsiness
Nightmares
Disturbing visions
Bed wetting
Tendency to glow and experience hot flushes, permanently.
Occasional barnacle and seaweed infestation
Tendency for your hair to stand on end and float about
Extreme Body Odour
Weakening of fragile or shoddily constructed buildings in your vicinity
Occasional earth tremors
Slight headache
Slight loss of friends, normally by horrific means
Acquisition of unsavoury new friends (Syrillia, Saladin…)
Slight loss of innocent bystanders, but hey this can be amusing*
Slight mutations, but you’ll probably find these handy
Slight extreme mutations, equally or possibly even more handy
Slight petrification
Slight drowning
Slight Spontaneous Human Combustion
Slight pursuit by deranged Dwarven cults
Slight pursuit by Imperial inquisitors and or witch hunters
Slight dropping off cliffs
Slight bombing raids
Development of slightly evil tendencies
Slight total insanity
Slight death

*This might include washing them away in an unwisely summoned tsunami, flattening them in a poorly positioned avalanche of rocks, or just plain blowing them up

Customers are warned that we are always seeking to improve and tap new frontiers here at the ICF, therefore this list in no way exhaustive.

For those interested in a fuller explanation of possible side effects, send for our 278 volume ‘Compendium of Reasons not to come within Ninety Four Parsecs of the World -Ending K37 Doomstone’ available exclusively from the ICF.

Each five hundred thousand word volume comes in 58 weekly parts, and a free mega bookcase can be ordered with just 250 coupons, one included with each issue, plus 1000 crowns P & P. A free handsome imitation plastic binder is free with issue one.

Not enough? As an exclusive ICF bonus, the final issue comes free with the Bumper Pamphlet of T’ Zench related jokes. Here’s a taster: ‘I say, I say, I say, why does T’Zench only carry fifty pound notes? Because he’s not one for small change!’ I thank you.

Factory: Full of Nuts
May Attract Nuts


Still not convinced? Just listen to these tributes paid by previous owners:







So there you have it.

The International Chaos Force
Because it’s:
Time for The K37
Time for Change


The T’Zench Bumper Joke Pamphlet: An Apology

The staff and management of the ICF would like to apologise for the totally unsanctioned ‘small change’ joke that appears elsewhere in this otherwise fine document, and would assure readers, customers and indeed T’Zench himself that the severest possible steps have been taken against all those responsible.
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