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 Village People Wiped Out

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Phlegm

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Registration date : 2007-04-26

PostSubject: Village People Wiped Out   Tue 14 Jun - 13:04:27

Village People Wiped Out*


*The Homophobic crime squad is on the case

The social activities progressed and I drifted away to the lonely hut where the prisoner languished, no doubt suffering even more than previously as he was forced to endure the company of our psychotic new Arab friend. Cruel and unusual punishment indeed.

Joachim the guard had a gut whose dimensions spoke clearly of an intimate acquaintance with the joys of alcohol and I was firmly resolved to test its evident capacity. I therefore struck up friendly banter with the bored watcher and with the contents of a couple of wineskins liberally lubricating our discussions; our conversation hurtled headlong towards incoherence and oblivion.

During the discussions I naturally refrained from knocking back too much of the old amber nectar, but I was forced to go along with his excesses strictly in the cause of gaining information for the good of the DEAD. I learnt a few titbits including the fact that the halfling was a spy and eventually succeeded in my objective which was of course to drink our friend under the table so we could get five minutes alone with an expert on the cursed stones.

Overjoyed at my success I was suddenly overcome with emotion and collapsed very slowly to the ground. I manfully made my way back to find the others and tell them of my success, but some fiendish enchantments were being employed against me, rendering me unable to stand or discern directions. No doubt another dastardly side effect of the stones.

Luckily Andilwei found me, possibly attracted by the sound of my singing, and he carried out the interrogation of the scholar. I may have dozed off at this point, but later on he told me that I had missed a tale of woe, or more specifically the time of woes that the stones had brought to the dwarves fifteen centuries before.

The critical information on how to destroy the stones was our real objective: It seemed that even the knights had no idea of how to do this, and neither did the scholar whose warnings had brought them here. He did know of a dwarf in the Volt mountains who might know how to, or perhaps we could find an answer from his tomb or descendents.

So our objective was set: In the morning we prepared to set off for our new destination, and the whole village turned out, heartened by the remarkable disappearance of the storm and all the fallen snow. A miracle it seemed.

At this point, there was a regrettable incident as the legions of chaos arrived, inexplicably apparently attracted by us. They began massacring the long suffering villagers who let’s face it had probably had periods of plague, famine and earthquake that had been more enjoyable than the past few days.

The blind youth in particular was having a bad day, bitten in half by a giant worm that spewed forth from the ground, accompanied by a fleet of beastmen and pestigora. Now for some reason I had a raging headache, no doubt induced by the stone curse and was not feeling very well at all. A chance encounter with a severed bear head in the maggot infested village well had also given me a somewhat queasy outlook on life and the arrival of half of the blind boy at my feet tipped me over the edge and I fled.

As the villagers were torn apart and we and the visiting knights fought for our lives, things did not look good for Osama Bin Saladbowl: He remained chained as chaos foes advanced on him, but his guard tossed him a shortsword with which to defend himself.

I rallied and turned to stand my ground, only to see two dreadful sights: Firstly, our crack magic user soiling herself as she failed to cast one of her dubious enchantments; Second Getz, reaching for the doomstone, and we all know how that turns out. Cyrilliac then recovered a little and blasted a corridor of wind energy that bowled over friend and foe alike, rising into the air herself as she tried to repel borders.

I slew the first of my two opponents and Getz, showing his legendary inspirational leadership skills that we could all well do without, summoned his pet fire elemental. The effect was immediate and devastating: It killed a pestigor menacing Bin Saladbowl and caused every creature in sight to catch fire, yours truly included.

The Arab fell dead as did many others including fortunately most of the opposition including my last opponent, dropped by a fusillade of magic from my new best friend Cyrilliac. I was pretty toasted and several of us were in pretty poor shape, even Getz who had been hit by some sort of counter spell from the Imperial Mage. Unfortunately they were now exhibiting marked signs of suspicion and distrust which manifested in the form of a lot of very sharp magical objects pointing menacingly in our direction.

Somehow the knights had seen through the cunning web of concealment that we had spun so carefully and expertly around our doomstone powers* and realised that we were fully tooled up with the said artefacts.

*So cunning that it is completely non existent, in fact it might be more accurate to say that our possession of the doomstones would have been marginally less obvious had we chosen to carry ten foot high placards bearing the legend ‘GET YOUR FRESHLY ENGINEERED DOOMSTONES HERE, 100% CHAOS OR YOUR MONEY BACK’

We tensed for the inevitable fight; a crack force of the Empire’s finest against a crap force of the Empire’s rejects. Andilwei then surprised everyone with his response to the shouted demand to surrender the doomstone or suffer the consequences. Did he say:

a) ‘Never in a thousand years, for the powers of chaos will taint and enslave you even as you seek to destroy its terrible powers and only us and possibly a few stray hobbits can be trusted to eliminate this horrendous threat to the existence of this entire plane of existence.’

Or

b) ‘Never in a thousand years, for it is you who must surrender to us or be destroyed by the terrible daemonic powers that even now are restrained only by our supreme effort of will from rending you to a pulp of bloody bones and sinews.’

Or

c) ‘Never in a thousand years, for we will bring this terrible quest to its end now in an act of supreme sacrifice that will end the doomstone’s fell reign of terror before it returns the time of woes to our troubled times. Look well as we destroy it and ourselves, that the future saga tellers may faithfully recount our terrible end as a warning to others and remember us as a cautionary tale for your children and pray that your fate never becomes entangled with such horror as befell us.’

Or

d) ‘Never in a thousand years, the only way you’ll ever possess these stones is to pry them from our cold dead fingers.’

Or

e) ‘Ok, here it is, catch.’

So option (e) it was and no one was more surprised than the knights, who let us go, probably out of shock. We left, dragging the body of our fallen Arab behind us. They even returned his pistols to us, no doubt assuming that we’d bury them with him. How little they know us…We left hurriedly, most of our new friends small piles of cinders decorating a semi collapsed, corpse strewn, charred and tidal wave washed village. What joy and happiness we spread wherever we go.

We did have one new addition: Michell Getz brought his new love with him and we opened a book on how long she would last.* We also discovered that reports of Saladin’s death were regrettably premature: He was fine, well- ish. I remain the only party member not to enjoy the benefits of the regenerative amulet and was relegated to the task of covering our tracks as we anticipated that the knights might take a renewed interest in us when they discovered the doomstone missing.

* No aspersion on Getz’s fidelity, we of course refer to the brevity of her remaining lifespan. I went for six days.

For, as we knew it would, the cursed stones returned, teleporting to their, well I would say masters, but I fear that’s not the right word. Victims, or hosts perhaps; masters? No. We have a bit of a start on them, but they’ll be after us as soon as they realise what’s happened, and perhaps their scholar will let slip our destination. Time will tell.



12.6.11
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Al-Farrak Bin Saladin

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PostSubject: Re: Village People Wiped Out   Wed 15 Jun - 11:34:35

It was of great regret that we must leave the capital of my newly formed empire.
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Phlegm

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PostSubject: Re: Village People Wiped Out   Wed 15 Jun - 17:22:16

If only you had more arms, how many more capitals could you establish in your empire of pasty mining tin eaters, or is that the other way round?
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