Journal of the late Mordakai Phlegmenheim
Day eleven thousand and something to eleven thousand and something else
Well we gave poor old Philippe a decent burial after a good deal of hassle involving the whys and wherefores. Seemed only right. Oddly couldn’t find his pistol which seemed a worry, but we could hardly hang around that place. Spoke with some troops and warned them of the chaos tainted halflings. They jump to it pretty smartly when you lay the old Knight panther credentials on ‘em. That’s the trouble with these army types, too much discipline sometimes.
The next day the fate of the pistol became somewhat clearer when the noble Sir Karl accidentally shot himself in the leg, narrowly avoiding serious injury. Still as I remarked to him as L’il and Drengi beat him up, there was only a miniscule chance of him blowing his knackers off given the infinitesimal size of his sexual organs. Managed a pretty impressive leg wound all the same. Something tells me Karl’s less than committed as team players go. Apparently he ‘forgot’ he had it.
We thrashed on a couple of days more and were just turning our thoughts to our arrival in Middenheim when we had another nasty shock. Three beast men jumped us: one with multiple eyes, another hugely overblown with multiple arms, and the last tremendously tall. The fat one came for me, the one with the eye stalks went for Karl and the last went for L’il. As she was driving the cart and it came from in front, this involved it coming straight through the horse which it killed with a single savage blow.
We struggled for a few minutes with the hideous beasts which were very tough, absorbing many blows. Drengi came to my aid attacking my opponent from behind. It had two shields and parried many potentially devastating blows before we felled it. Karl’s creature had a confusing befuddling gaze which increasing affected his fighting ability, but he managed to defeat it none the less. L’il was in serious distress and it took all of us in concert to eventually fell the last which wounded her severely, so much so that when we arrived in Middenheim shortly thereafter we visited the physicians’ guild before doing anything else.
We reported in for our escort assignment and fresh horses and were sent off to the wizards’ guild for further instructions. I stopped off to see Luigi meanwhile, to consult him about my little trouble. He examined me gravely and I was pronounced dead at 11.34 a.m. We then went on to discuss a possible cure. Somewhat to my surprise, he produced some medication (and bolognaise) and told me to take it twice a day which I duly did (The medication not the bolognaise that is). He also gave me a load of make up to help me with my pale look.
We all caught up again at the Templars arms and there was a tearful reunion with the bar staff, especially Drengi and the halfling cook. (Definitely something going on there, I worry about that dwarf, he seemed to be coming on to Isaac earlier; perhaps he’s pining for something.) A wizard had been allocated to accompany us on our journey, his name’s Jo something and he’s the real thing: How do we know? Thought he looked a bit young so asked him for a demo and he duly knocked out Karl with just a touch. We all warmed to him at once.
The reason I say Jo something is that he takes his time talking. Seems to feel it necessary to stutter a great deal. If you ask him a question make sure you’ve eaten and done your ablutions first if you don’t want to have to leave half way through the reply. So I never really caught his surname. Any way, I was feeling a bit low as everyone was stuffing themselves and drinking, although that doesn’t adequately cover what Drengi was doing, it would be accurate to say he was dealing with last year’s hops and barley harvest single handed. Of course since my little problem I can’t really indulge and it all gets very depressing, which means I’m liable to end up like our esteemed doctor and no one wants that. So I took my next medication. After all, it had been late morning when I took the first, and it was early evening now, so that must be fine for the old twice a day instruction.
But apparently not. I took the pills and vial of powder as prescribed more in hope than expectation. But I had underestimated the good doctor. He might not have been able to cure the Graf’s son, but suddenly I felt… I felt! I could taste and feel the medication working in my system. Everything started to flood back; all the sensations I’d been missing. My thoughts turned to women, but within easy reach I noted a pint of beer that had somehow evaded Drengi’s clutches. I poured it down. It felt superb, the flavour, the smell, the texture, the sensation of it pouring into me, the refreshment, the comfortable buzz of alcohol like an old familiar friend. Gods save Luigi, that blimp is a genius! I was jumping’ for joy and felt like a mad march hare. Feelings were back! The things I could enjoy again, you know what I mean? I called for rough wine; I felt great, better than I had before that unfortunate burst of spores, and then….
I felt less great. Then hot. Then on fire. Panicking, I reached for my trusty new beer shaped friend. It got worse. I was aflame, and not in a good way. Someone gave me water. I was in agony, then a bucket of water over my head. I don’t remember what happened after that, but I’m told that I became very quiet and virtually hid in the corner. The next thing I know the good Doctor is there and I feel ok again. So just to be clear, that’s first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I’ve got enough for 2 weeks. I guess I will have to use it sparingly.
