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 TOSS Nominations 2017

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Phlegm

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PostSubject: TOSS Nominations 2017   Mon 15 Jan - 16:44:13

The Other Side Seasonal Award Special 2018
January 2018 Special Issue 266



TOS Academy Revealed

Under new freedom of information requirements introduced in an effort to tackle bribery and corruption, TOS is proud to announce that for the first time details of the key members of the academy voting on this year’s TOSSAs are being published here today. This means there is no longer any excuse for misdirecting payments intended to sway the TOSSA panel.

In alphabetical order therefore:

Judge I
Chairman of the judges, Judge I is said to be a paragon of fine judgement with a legendary, indeed many would say (more accurately) mythical sense of humour.* Noted for his pro undead views and campaigns for equal rites for all beings regardless of ability to breathe.

*Mythical in the sense that no one is quite sure it actually exists

Judge J
As one of only two female judges she enjoys a unique perspective on all issues brought to the panel. Apart from allocating her time to TOSSA duties, since the 2014 strategic defence spending review she has spent five days a week acting as the air defences of Essex and North Kent.

Recently given her marching orders from her current flat after failing to obtain planning permission for the rooftop rapier missile battery, she is preparing to move in the near future once her reconditioned Bristol Bloodhound missiles have been installed in her new accommodation.

When not defending British airspace she enjoys baking, drinking medically inadvisable amounts of whiskey and in a landmark decision, recently decided to leave her body to science, slightly unusually beginning a ‘donate in easy instalments’ plan

Judge K
Ethically the purest of our panel with impeccable green credentials, Judge K has extensive skills and knowledge in the IT field where he is integral to a major corporation’s support service, solely responsible for the office lottery and cake fund as well as the whole gamut of beverage dispensing systems.

From the planet Vega, he also speaks fluent Caledonian, an essential requirement given his recently legalised relationship with his long suffering wife. Never without his nuts he is always ready to carry out a full threat analysis on any meal offered to him.

Judge N
A keen collector of empty wine bottles Judge N strongly denies any suggestion that her hobby is an excuse for excessive indulgence in alcohol abuse pointing out diverse other interests including her large collection of corks and beermats, the history of English public houses, the licensing laws since world war one, traditional Austrian Antifreeze recipes and certain specialist women’s clothing. (Cocktail dresses obviously).

Judge P
Enjoys dogging, reading, lorry driving, entrepreneurial gambling projects, murdering prostitutes with a hammer and world peace. Also enjoys staring matches and living in lots of different places for short periods of time.

Judge S
Enjoys subversion, undermining the state, drinking pimms, sorry rum, Cornish pasties, door hanging, game design, staying up all night gaming then not knowing what day it is. Unusually the winner of multiple TOSS awards himself in partnership with his on-off appendage, Helga.

Thought to be an expert shot though it’s possible that this is a misprint, Judge S enjoys giving both barrels at any opportunity and in his spare time he and Helga enjoy touring Scandinavia.

Judge T
Principal designer/ photographer/ director for the current star wars films spends most of his time building life size replicas of TIE fighters, X wings, the Death Star etc. Thought to have fitted the Storm trooper uniforms for Princes Harry and William last year causing him to utter the immortal line: ‘If I may just tweak your helmet Sire’. Like many of the judges recently moved house and is currently engaged in a full Tatooine desert dwelling makeover on his two up two down in Thundersley.

With his life partner Steph, believed to be from Halifax, Judge T has also dabbled in game design and development and is currently writing the next six Star Wars trilogies which he aims to complete by the early 20s.

This Year’s Nominations for Best / Worst Film
This year has seen a somewhat more fragmented approach to film night, but the nominations are gathered here in advance in the hope that judges can take the opportunity to review any that they may have missed.

Also unusually the TOSSA for worst film has already been awarded, the TOSSA being presented spontaneously to Imogen on the spot. A (painful) reminder then, Worst Film 2017:

Essex Spacebin

The remaining nominations in no particular order are:

• Dale and Tucker vs Evil

• Ghost in the Shell

• Guardians of the Galaxy

• Baby Driver

• Deadpool

• Debugged

• Blade Runner 2049

• The Conjuring 2

• Predators

• RIPD

• Live Die Repeat

• The Boy

• Blessid

• Star Wars The Last Jedi

• Groundhog Day

Judges are invited to vote for a first second and third, results will then be analysed* to determine the winner.

*Fiddled by the judges

Closing date for voting will likely be March, additional nominations are still possible.

The ICF
Tired and emotional after a busy session voting in this year’s awards?
Looking for that special something for that unique activity you enjoy?
Remember that the ICF meets all needs, including those of the TOSS Awards Judging committee.

Current offers:

• Custom shotguns, hand-made masterpieces of true craftsmanship carefully designed without undermining their mission to kill people with maximum style.

• Artfully designed niche market games of minimal appeal but which look good in a glitzy prospectus

• A health hamper packed with 100% guaranteed fresh, wholesome, cruelty free, non-environmentally damaging nutritional supplements, certainly not tested on anything. What is it? Well, sort of brown, pulpy stuff.*

*Certainly contains nuts

• Live organ transplant association lifetime membership,* including free introductory kidney.

*Duration not entirely clear

• A small vineyard in Portugal

• A detailed critique of the greatest film franchise of all time entitled: ‘Just why do the rebels run everywhere all the time? and other questions’

• Easy to assemble acid bath kit for easy body disposal

• A beard shining kit

• Automatic dog walker

• A Years membership of the Jim Morrison/ Larry Grayson appreciation society

THE ICF:
No 1 For TOSSA Voters - After all democracy gave us Hitler, Thatcher, May, Farage, Blair, Trump, Brexit – What could possibly go wrong?
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