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 The 2017 TOSS Awards

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Phlegm

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Registration date : 2007-04-26

PostSubject: The 2017 TOSS Awards   Mon 13 Mar - 19:10:27

TOSS Awards 2017

Welcome to this year’s TOSSA’s; the twelfth annual awards are presented to recognise areas of achievement, excellence and bribery. A year of heresy, dungeon delving and unnumbered stars including such worthies as Omar Ibrahim El Shafai, Father Claberknack Ablethwaite, the dazzling triumvirate of Dotti, Gertrude and Betty, Corporal Napi, Skank Killbollock, Egbert, Eldrakin, Embellis the Obscure, Unwin, Toma Bobal, Donnabel Roft, Sergeant Rahm, Andal, Varis and others too numerous to mention, largely because I can’t remember their names.

Most Unrequited Love
Nominated are Father Ablethwaite’s yearnings for Sergeant Rahm and
Donnabel Roft lusting after Andal.
After an official ruling that Father Ablethwaite’s post mortem enjoyment of the sergeant’s cigar did not constitute consummation, the good Father takes it.

Most unsuccessful Bluff Attempt
The winner, Toma Bobal pretending that he had no desire to hurl grenades in the chapel assault.

Most stupid Death*
Egbert who heroically committed suicide in an unprecedented display of manic depressive roleplay

*With a nod to Horrible Histories

Stupidest Character
There were some issues narrowing the field here at least.
Embellis the Obscure for cunningly disguising himself as a top bad guy without telling anyone in what he felt was a fiendishly clever tactic to deceive the enemy but infact only deceived his own comrades or more specifically, the comrade also nominated, Egbert, who seeing the magically disguised wizard promptly killed him stone dead with a critical hit. The winner Embellis.

A welcome return this year for the sexist and indeed racist on so many levels award:

The Beardee with a growth most closely resembling a German Lesbian’s bush Award

In view of the judges’ inability to adequately carry out drug testing on competitors in this category, this award is now being retired out of pure spite and jealousy for the amount of testosterone Sam is clearly able to deploy, plus Nichola, Carrie and Jen have all failed completely to get into the spirit of this category with no attempt to compete whatever:
Helga returns from her recent triumphant tour of southern Stockholm, the victor once again with a third straight win.

Best driving
Dotti here is unchallenged; several excellent examples of ditch delving and an uncanny ability to locate IADs, but the judges were particularly impressed by her reversing over the engineer who had just spent an hour repairing her APV’s wheel after her initial crash.

Best cinematography sponsored by KPMG
Well Dotti is victorious again, oh wait, bit of a mix up with the envelope sorry I was handed this one for the previous award, no seriously the winner is Corporal Napi for his excellent film work in the fight against the Hasturi

Stupidest Nickname
Pickaxe (Andal)

The ‘Cut the Bluish grey wire not the Greyish blue one’ award
For excellence in disarming of explosive devices, sadly Corporal Napi was a dead cert for this one until he quite literally blew it, along with our transport vehicle, so no award is presented this year

Best seduction
Goes to Skank Killbollock for her unexpected seduction of the starship Dauntless

Most Depressed and Misanthropic Character Ever Award
Only one contender here: Egbert

Silliest voice award
For surely the most helium assisted performance of all time: Betty

Silliest Accent Award
Any character played by me.

Silliest pretentious Gesturing Award
Can only be Embellis the Obscure

Most Disturbing Tendency to Lick Inanimate Objects Award
Eldrakyn for his habit of licking any and all rocks he could get at

Most Reckless Award
Six up Sam is nominated for Egbert’s unwise rush to grab the pretty purple crystals just beyond that in no way suspicious or threatening looking giant statue
But the winner, Toma Bobal for his single handed charge through the chapel trying to get close enough to the hostile servitor so that there would be absolutely no chance of his body avoiding being completely pulverised by multiple hits

Least Reckless Award
Unwin, who took seventeen minutes to traverse the length of the chapel during the assault that located and destroyed a nest of heretical traitors.

Moving on to the next section and it’s been a quiet year for Bloodbowl but nevertheless season V did at least begin before stuttering to a halt in a sea of indifference.
Two teams from the Fatlox franchise participated this season.

Extreme Prejudice
Played 13 Won 4 Drew 3 Lost 6

Casualties
Played 13 Won 6 Drew 5 Lost 2

A poor season, their progress hampered by the death of 7 players. Note seven of these games were included in the 2016 TOSSAs.

Eternal Champions
Played 8 Won 6 Drew 1 Lost 1

Casualties
Played 8 Won 6 Lost 1 Drew 1

Again, note that only the last 4 of these matches are up for consideration in this year’s awards.

So very few awards for just ten games, needless to say, no award as usual for best referee.

Straight then to the main awards:

The Chaotic Really Awesome Performers Award
Awarded by In Extremis to the most deadly opponents of Extreme Prejudice
Nominated:

Human Waste for eliminating us from the Chaos Cup
The Niggling Nagarothians for slaying Qualacob
The Niggling Nagarothians for inflicting our joint worst defeat of the season (0-3)
Human Waste for killing Dick

The winner: Human Waste

The Other Side’s Principal Opposition Team
Awarded to The most deadly opponents of the Eternal Champions
Nominated:

The Friends of Khorne for holding us to a draw besmirching what would otherwise have been a 100% win record for the period under review
Human Waste for apothecarying both of their slain players depriving us of a zombie twice.
Human Waste for inflicting the only casualty against us in the period.

The Winner: Friends of Khorne

Next, an emotional moment, the Most Moving Moment Award. Two nominees here:

The Greens who moved from Rochford and the RAF who moved their entire south eastern defence force from Eastwood to Southend. And the judges were unable to separate the nominees here so the award is made to both parties.

And now another new award:

The ‘Blimey everyone seems to be getting hitched so we’d better pull our fingers out’ Award

Toby and Steph

Now a very important award, and we should all take a moment to recognise a shining paragon, a self-sacrificing heroine, whose patience, tolerance, forbearance, generosity of spirit, endurance of everything from my jokes, regular home invasions, extended periods of husband deprivation, and of course, Sam, is legendary. Without all these things and of course significant amounts of drugs none of today’s achievements or these awards themselves could have taken place.

The Hostess with the Mostest Award – made to of course, the long suffering Nicola.

And now in a departure from previous awards, a live vote for the final categories. Conducted by secret ballot, the votes are for Best Player Best GM and of course, the RAMPANT award for last year’s film night

Best Player Toby With 2 votes, everyone else second. Oh, except Phil with no votes

Best GM Sam With 4 votes, Toby and Phil joint second

The second award by the Royston Avenue Motion Picture Academy of Nicholised* Television

*Television with no subtitles, animation or westerns allowed,

Best Film: Black Sheep with four votes
Joint Second Dr Strange, Pacific Rim, Sucker Punch

Worst Film: Sucker Punch on a tiebreak
Second Forbidden Planet
Joint Third Pacific Rim, The Conjuring, Worry Dolls

11.3.17
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