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 An Assassin's Creed

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Phlegm

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Registration date : 2007-04-26

PostSubject: An Assassin's Creed   Mon 13 Feb - 13:06:03

An Assassin’s Creed

Well a girl’s got to find outlets for her talents, but as the Valkyrie descended towards our target I wondered if there might not be simpler ways to make a living for one of my skillset: Working for the inquisition has its benefits: You’re not being hunted by the inquisition for a start; the Emperor’s light protects you and the hours are good. Our tech priest Andal or Pick Axe as I call him, is quite a hunk too. On the other hand you can’t pick your team mates; why for example do you need two assassins in a team of five, and another woman at that? Not exactly a vote of confidence in my ability.

Apart from Gertrude (yeah like that’s a real name) there’s scum like Toma Bobal* and a great lump called Unwin who looks like he could take on a tank but not a stairmaster. Still at least we are accompanied by a full assault squad for this search and destroy on the local mutant/ heretic big wheel who has clearly seriously upset someone high up in the inquisition** to get to be on the wrong end of all the firepower that’s about to drop in on him.

*Hey not my opinion, that’s what he is.
**By the name of Bin Saladin apparently


So I guess that’s a clinching argument, after all you don’t want to be on the wrong end of this lot on the whim of an inquisitor who decides that he needs to justify his position occasionally by ruffling a few feathers. Still sometimes things do turn up heresy wise so I guess I shouldn’t complain and on balance Belle must be on the side of the angels... though Bobal and Unwin are pretty unlikely as angels go.

Captain Scipio, in nominal command rather unnecessarily runs through the drill again as the red status light changes to amber indicating thirty seconds. He shouts over the whine of the engines as his troopers carry out final equipment checks before we drop. ‘Remember we will be dropping you in the chapel directly, intelligence reports resistance will be random and light* there, our main force will complete a sweep of the main mansion from the west drawing and mopping up any resistance. Your primary task is to gather evidence and take Lord Bolgar into custody.’

*Copyright Starship Troopers

Our Tech Priest Andal nods to add inquisitorial authority to the Captain’s words adding only, ‘Somebody wake up Bobal.’*

* Copyright Aliens

The light turns green and we jump into darkness, descending through the shattered ceiling of the chapel, we all land safely, even the clumsy oaf Unwin, the Emperor it seems even watches over his most unlikely servants. Meanwhile the excellence of the Imperial Intelligence is revealed as six guards instead of the two we had been briefed raise their shotguns in our direction, the angle of their aim suggesting that their intention is not to fire a six gun salute in our honour. We can hear the rattle of gunfire to the west and the comms are alive with shouted orders and warnings, the mission is underway.

A servitor can be seen beyond the altar directing operations but it’s difficult to get too good a look through the solid pews behind which the sensible amongst us have found cover. I am on the left with Gertrude whilst Andal and Toma have landed on the right. Unwin is quite central though I don’t have time to see if he actually formed a crater on landing, or perhaps I should more accurately say, on impact.

The pews provide excellent cover, but sadly the guards are finding them equally effective as shot stoppers and a lot of shots are failing to tell as a result. Now people may say of me: ‘That Donnabel Roft isn’t the sharpest tool in the box’ and they do, though not usually twice, but even I know that charging seven heavily armed opponents is probably not a good idea, rivalled only by throwing a grenade, but even though I’ve not seen him in a fight before I get the impression that these are not factors troubling the mind of Scum Toma.*

*Yes, he was played by Kev

I contented myself exchanging fire with the enemy right though on reflection afterwards I probably should have fired across the chapel at the exposed flank of the enemy left, but hey, you can’t have beauty like this and brains. The guards were not exactly crack troops, two suffered immediate weapon jams as they tried to react but the servitor was clearly a more deadly threat. Toma charged forward on the right followed more cautiously by Pickaxe, whilst Unwin fired in slow motion from the rear.

Gertrude, using the unsporting ‘shoot the ones not in cover’ tactic neatly created a unidexter of one of the guards on the right, who suddenly found himself the owner of twice as many shoes and socks as he needed and expired in a pool of blood gushing from the stump of his right leg. Toma meanwhile found himself bracketed by a fusillade of fire from the servitor.

Pretty sure that the gruesome damage caused would move the DVD of our attack from a 15 to an 18 certificate, especially if filmed in Peckinpahesque slow mo, but remarkably he emerged unscathed and discharged his shotgun point blank into the nearest guardsman to celebrate. Sadly the effect was undermined by the fact that he missed him completely from a range of perhaps eight inches. Fate or perhaps the emperor himself, blessed be his name, had intervened on his behalf to preserve his life if not his accuracy.

Unwin managed a kill with a lucky shot, exploding an ammunition bandolier on another guard on the enemy left and as the pyre of charring, screaming flesh melted away amidst the firecracker explosions of shotgun cartridges his four comrades threw down their weapons and dropped to the floor in surrender. The servitor unsurprisingly, was made of sterner stuff.

But, cleverly taking advantage of the servitor’s mission to kill Toma, our leader had closed down the cyborg and literally pulled the plug on it. Not just a pretty face that Andal. The traitor guards we lined up by the altar where a dead priest surrounded by black feathers formed an unusual conversation piece. The priest had some heretical papers in his one remaining hand, one of his arms having recently been removed. Seems we had some actual evidence: Inquisition kills guilty people shock! Whilst the boss tried unsuccessfully to do some reprogramming on the servitor I politely*asked after the location of the enemy big boss, but none of them knew.

*But with menaces

Dissatisfied with their answers I sharpened my sword on their throats whilst the others searched the room. Then Unwin arrived, having managed to traverse the whole length of the chapel in under three minutes. We found nothing more, but I helped myself to a shotgun, one of the ones that had not jammed, and Scipio came over the command channel and ordered us to support his troops to the west where lay the mansion’s menagerie.

We headed west taking a corridor filled with portraits many of which were afire. Unblocking a door off the corridor, we found a chambermaid in the room beyond. She was clearly traumatised, confirmed by the fact that she threw herself sobbing at Unwin of all people, presenting him with an iron key. Pah-lease honey have some self-respect. We continued along the flame grilled corridor to its end and opening the door at the end our objective was revealed.

Standing in the centre of the glass domed menagerie on a grassy knoll amidst swarms of panicked birds swirling around, was the big boss, a man marked by a mutated claw instead of one arm. He was guarded by two reptilian horrors which he commanded to attack us after giving the traditional maniacal evil mastermind rant. One singled me out, the other Gertude; sexist beasts. I explained the error of its ways by frying its brains lightly with onions in a spectacular point blank shot. Meanwhile Pickaxe charged the mutant and engaged.

Gertrude and Unwin got tied up with the other beast and Toma went to the aid of Andal, joined by me after I had toasted my opponent. We finished off the traitor with cries of ‘take him alive Toma…oops’ and then returned to help Gertrude and Unwin, though it was the latter who dealt the fatal shot eventually. I made it back first to the body of the fallen leader and helped myself to his shiny sword and laser pistol. I also found a good deal of money and accidentally slipped fifty credits into my own pack before passing it to my comrades. A girl has to think of future expenses after all.

The troops had mopped up as promised and a further more leisurely search of the chapel revealed a chamber below betrayed by the priest’s blood draining into the trapdoor access. Below, a veritable treasure trove of heretical texts and paraphernalia, enough to keep a whole phalanx of scribes busy drawing up charges for a year, though sadly thanks to Toma with no one to face them. The data slates recovered would probably keep another division of tech experts occupied for a similar time unravelling the secrets and treachery within. So plenty of gainful employment for the loyal inquision’s finest and everyone’s happy.*

*Except possibly the worthy who said ‘Take him alive’


11.2.17
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