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 The Other Side Issue 257

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Phlegm

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Number of posts : 751
Registration date : 2007-04-26

PostSubject: The Other Side Issue 257   Mon 4 Apr - 13:29:38

IN EXTREMIS
Fanzine of Extreme Prejudice and the Eternal Champions Issue 257

Extreme Smothered By Human Waste

Extreme 0 Human Waste 3
The game opened with Hastican winning the toss, sadly this was to be the high watermark of the teams achievement. 28,000 fans evenly split between the humans undefeated but looking for their first win, cheered as the Waste kicked off. Both squads were twelve strong and humanity had a babe to make up their strength.

Bad Start
The first ill omen was when rotter Qualacob was struck by a missile from the crowd and stunned. Our opening was weak with just a couple of stuns as Gatchamee gathered the ball supported by MVP Jet Haberthwaite backfield.

Gets Worse
We advanced and were more successful in terms of flooring opponents at the second attempt but our attack missed a cutting edge and on a day that was a very poor performance foul wise Evil Blata failed the first of many on the high agility lineman fielded by the opposition. Meanwhile a blitzer got Gatchamee down with a finely balanced attack.

Neither Side Able to Keep Ball
The loose ball was collected and passed forward but intercepted by Malekor. He didn’t stay up long though, left exposed after a rapid turnover thanks to Shascue’s failed block and Orblio was our first player to leave the field, KO. We were able to move players in to protect but not collect the ball and now Qualacob scored a casualty but was himself knocked out in the process.

Disastrous Ending
Malekor was now a casualty dodging away from his marker as each side continually failed to pick up the highly contested ball and Cheg left the field KO also and the half ended scoreless. Remarkably, both our casualties in this match resulted from failed dodges rather than blocks.

Inadequate Medication
The bad news was that only one of our KO players returned and Malekor failed to regenerate. This brought Imrin Vhan on from our reserve and we kicked off with just five rotters, two pestigora and two warriors on the field against a full strength opposition.

Humans Break Through
The thrower collected the poor short kick and passed forward immediately as they overloaded our left flank. Our only notably success at this stage a couple of successful foul appearances by Shascue. Another poor foul by Orblio and though the ball carrier was felled by Vhan it was the easiest thing in the world for the agility four player to rise, dodge, collect and score.

Pyrrhic Foul
This at least brought back Cheg and Qualacob but again it started poorly again with brilliant coaching again on display for the enemy. Evil Blata was then sent off inflicting a second serious injury on the human, well, waste.

Error Causes Pointless Death
Critically we had failed to collect the ball, Haberthwaite fumbling his effort and a rookie mistake saw Maximillus fail to stand up. This left him needing to dodge next turn and he fell and was killed by a tackle from the human thrower. He then became our second pestigor to fail regeneration on the day.

Humiliation Complete
The speedy humans grabbed the ball and scored easily again. To add final insult the humans played their defence perfectly and an immediate block failure left us open again. The humans in a dazzlingly block sequence followed by contested ball pick up, dodging and going for it pulled off an unstoppable score of breathtaking skill.

Coach Apoplectic
Hastican was so furious that one of his eye stalks exploded during the post match press conference. The team value has fallen despite some advances and the team is critically short in key positions, Extreme face the new season from a position of serious weakness. The humans will be two players short for next game but look like a force to be reckoned with. The last word as always, to Hastican:

Final Rant
Random multiple texts confusing and reservation light expeditions in boredom and rain. Popular scum crusted violent mastication untroubled scorers marking twenty graduated steel infusions. Marble where tricky, enthroned majestic awfulness and missing integrity, what and why; where overloaded traction.

Season Launch To Follow TOSSAs

The long awaited announcement of the season start date was made before the match reported above: It’s Saturday 30th April, slightly confusingly the week following the TOSS awards ceremony. Draws for the Chaos Cup and Dungeonbowl will take place on or before that date. Making the announcement, the shadowy new league commissioner Semblance De Cord confirmed that franchises would only be allowed to enter one team in each cup competition.

Special allowance will be made for less experienced coaches participating in the league: They will be subjected to a rigorous regimen of ridicule and name calling to encourage their development. All coaches have been asked to exercise particular brutality against the novice sides, after all, it’s for their own good.

League Stats in Brief

With the league proper now approaching it’s time to see how the fledgling new teams are all doing: TOS is not confident of results reporting from the other league teams* but as far as we are able to gauge it, these are the current team standings in Bloodbowl V at the unfriendly stage:

*Just to be clear that’s not The Other League just other teams in the league


Eternal Champions
Played 4 Won 3 Lost 1 drawn 0

Extreme Prejudice
Played 7 Won 2 Lost 3 Drawn 2

Family Killers
Played 1 Won 0 Lost 1 Drawn 0

Friends of Khorne
Played 6 Won 1 Lost 1 Drawn 4

Green Daze
Played 3 Won 0 Lost 2 Drawn 1

Human Waste
Played 3 Won 1 Lost 0 Drawn 2

Niggling Nagarothians
Played 7 Won 4 Lost 1 Drawn 2

Reptile Dysfunction
Played 3 Won 0 Lost 2 Drawn 1

Which gives us a league table of:

1. Niggling Nagarothians 58
2. Eternal Champions 36
3. Extreme Prejudice 34
4. Friends Of Khorne 32
5. Human Waste 22
6. Reptile Dysfunction 5
7. Green Daze 5
8. Family Killers 0

Around the League

• Green Daze lose 3-0 to Niggling Nagarothians.

• Clearly they have learned nothing from their defeat to Extreme.

• Same score on casualties – to the formidable chaos side of course.

• Friends of Khorne fail to make fixture agreed only the day before with the Nagarothians or Human Waste.

• Typically unreliable performance by the coach or a long term effort to psych out the opposition?

• Who knows?

• Or Cares?

The ICF:

Chaos is our business – Let us randomise your life with the new ICF Disorganiser:

• Guaranteed that you won’t be able to get correct sized refills

• Calendar errors subtly placed for maximum impact

• Pen supplied has patented ICF Fadeink – illegibility sets in within 3-5 days

• Unique address book randomiser shuffles address elements

• Fully integrated Butter Side DownTM system that ensure any mishap occurring takes worst possible effect

• Camouflage treatment and size make it extremely losable. In fact, if you haven’t lost it within the first month at least once, we’ll give you your money back

• If you still have it 12 months after purchase, we’ll replace it free of charge*

*Though there is every chance that it will be lost in the post if it is working properly

Just listen to these glowing endorsements:

Lord S of Mordor writes: ‘Thanks ICF, I put my most precious possession in my ICF disorganiser. I never saw it again!’

George O of Downing Street adds: ‘My disorganiser was great, I used it to integrate my policies on welfare reform and it turned out better than I could have hoped.’

Adolph H of Berlin gave us this vote of confidence: ‘I used it to time all my great campaigns, delaying the invasion of Russia until the end of June was a particular master stroke.’

THE ICF:
Chaos Delivered: Dominion Through Domination
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